Boys and Bodily Functions

You may remember my comment about the boy who peed in my bed in my first post. If you don't, here's the short version of the story. A boy slept over. Boy peed in my bed. The kicker, he has a girlfriend. Lesson from that one, ask if boy has control over his bladder and if he's single before you invite him to sleep over.

For those of you who would like the full story, because hearing that someone peed in my bed isn't entertaining enough, here it is. (Apologies to my family in advance.)

Was having a lovely conversation with this fella. You know the kind where you're connecting on so many things? Where you think is this guy in my head? We talked about our values. We talked about children. We talked about politics. We talked about what makes us laugh. We talked about the last time we cried. We talked until 6 a.m. That's right. I have been up at 6 a.m. before. Not a morning person my ass.  

When I realized how much time had passed, I said I had to go to bed. Being a boy, he asked if he could stay. Being me, I said sure. I was exhausted so I passed out after some pretty PG kissing. A few hours later I woke up an noticed a wet spot in my bed. Thinking that perhaps he experienced what some overly stimulated boys experience, I kind of shrugged it off. That was until I heard him start to stammer, "uh, I, oh God." His face dropped. I horrifyingly realized it. THIS GUY PEED IN MY BED.

To give you an idea of things, my bed is less than four feet away from my bathroom. If I fell out of bed I could actually hit my head on the toilet. And I'm very short. 

Here's how the dialogue continued with my thoughts in italics.

Him: So I guess we're not having sex?

Are you insane? I have to deal with this before your urine ruins my mattress you asshole.

Me: Ah no.

Him: Ok, do you have any lube?

Are you serious? You just peed my bed and now you're going to rub one out in my bathroom? How did you being a giant perv not come up in our marathon chat session?  

Me:Ummm...

Him: Well I was thinking we could try anal.

I'll give you a minute so that can sink in.

On what planet does someone say no to sex but yes to anal? Seriously?! Does he not know the order of things? Has someone not explained the base system to him? Anal doesn't have a base because it's not something you just ask for all nonchalantly. Did he think I was going to say, "Oh anal? Of course. I'd love to do that on my pee soaked sheets"!? 

Instead, I told him to get out.  

While throwing out my sheets, along with my very expensive, and very ruined, feather mattress pad I found out this guy had a girlfriend. All I could think is man she is one lucky girl to have that gem. 

Fast forward, I've been on a couple dates with this guy who is quite shy. On both dates, we had a great time. Lots of laughs. But I just wasn't sure. Until he kissed me outside the pub.

It was a good kiss. A sweet kiss. A kiss with some spark.

He politely drove me home and then leaned in for another kiss. And then he let one rip. I'm not talking a squeeker. I'm talking wake the neighbours, shake the car, giant fart. His face sank. He looked  like he want to crawl under a rock and die.

I sort of giggled (yes I'm a 12 year old, farts make me giggle) and thanked him for a nice time. I quickly got out of the car. I texted him a thanks for a good time get home safely note when I got in. He responded with a thanks sleep tight note. But we haven't talked about the fart.

So I'm wondering do I let it go? Do I make a joke about it? Do I send him the E-card below? And what is with me and boys who can't control their bodily functions?